I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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