you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
it's like heaven, but drunker
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
