My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
