If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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