Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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