I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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