I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
