He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
