Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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