it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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