Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
