I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
