While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
