i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
