Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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