her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
