I'm eating all of the evidence.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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