Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
