some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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