i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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