were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
