Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
