3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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