I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
