I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
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