I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
