i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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