It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
