Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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