i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
