i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This house was built for laser tag.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
