Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
