my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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