it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
