Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
