Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
