I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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