Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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