youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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