So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
