someone owes me an orgasm
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
