if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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