Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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