okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
