EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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