So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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