so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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