He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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