I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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