If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
