dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
