she looked like the before picture.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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