She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize