I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
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just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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