I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just found a bag of teeth...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
