Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
