Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
