you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
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I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby