have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
